i think this is the first journal i've ever written on deviantart where i just talked.
mostly i just post song lyrics.

it's 1 something a.m. and in about 4 hours, i'm supposed to be going to school.
i probably won't now.

i'm sick. a friend gave me a cold yesterday, and i'm trying so hard to muffle my violent sneezes that my chest stings.
my parents are still sleeping.
i haven't slept at all yet.

i've been reading perks of being a wallflower, which i've heard is pretty good.
it's alright so far. i don't know if i have an opinion on it.
i think i like the story, i just don't like how it's written.

i also wrote about past relationships and past friends and the past in general.
how it was so much happier, it seemed more exhilarating at the time, but still, i despise it.
i wonder why i push it away so much.
really, what did it ever do to me?

i laid in bed for a while, thinking of people i shouldn't, and i had so much energy that i simply could not lay down.

i tried to think about tomorrow and why i want to go to sleep so i can go to school: danny, of course, (boyfriend) not to mention freedom from my house. it's becoming more and more intolerable by the second.

usually when i think about our relationship, i feel like we're both trying too hard to make it work. we're both aiming for something that's not there. and since we both want it, we've convinced ourselves we can get it. or maybe i do too many drugs and lose too many brain cells and random thoughts are just starting to feel like they make sense.

the thing that i just realized is, me and danny think we're aiming for the same thing (or we ignore it).
but we're not.
he aims for sex. i don't think he'd just up and leave right after, but he definitely wants it.
and i want a decent relationship. just one where i feel like i don't have to try so fucking hard all the time.
first it was to make myself seem more interesting (good luck).
then it was to be a good girlfriend so that i wouldn't get dumped.

i woke up crying.
i've just been caught.